Writing Great Fiction - Lecture Three Exercise

The writing for this lecture was to take the styles in the following three novels and apply them to a passage from the others:

• - The Great Gatsby - First person account.
• - Mrs Dalloway - Third person stream of consciousness.
• - The Maltese Falcon - Third person, literal observation.

“Now, don’t think my opinion on these matters is final,” he seemed to say, “just because I’m stronger and more of a man than you are.” We were in the same senior society, and while we were never intimate I always had the impression that he approved of me and wanted me to like him with some harsh, defiant wistfulness of his own.

We talked for a few minutes on the sunny porch.

“I’ve got a nice place here,” he said, his eyes flashing about restlessly.

Turning me around by one arm, he moved a broad flat hand along the front vista, including in its sweep a sunken Italian garden, a half acre of deep, pungent roses, and a snub-nosed motor-boat that bumped the tide offshore.

“It belonged to Demaine, the oil man.” He turned me around again, politely and abruptly. “We’ll go inside.”

“I’ve got a nice place here,” Tom said as his eyes enumerated each feature of garden, lawn and shore, pleased how the magnificent view was presented in the afternoon glow. He liked to impress his guests, but wondered at his eagerness for the admiration of this particular man. Nick was unimpressive in almost every way, at least in Tom's estimation, and yet he found he valued his company, perhaps even his friendship?

Nick watched the restless display with some comprehension and allowed himself to be guided, not impolitely, though certainly forcefully, through a conversation on the virtues of Tom's domain.

Tom, satisfied he had established his preemminance, abruptly turned and guided the two of them inside.

"It belonged to Demaine, the oil man." Tom said before passing into the high ceilinged hallway. Nick assumed he should know who that was and nodded.

My second attempt was taking the third person stream of consciousness of Mrs Dalloway and attempting the impersonal third person literal style from the Maltese Falcon:

She would have been, in the first place, dark like Lady Bexborough, with a skin of crumpled leather and beautiful eyes. She would have been, like Lady Bexborough, slow and stately; rather large; interested in politics like a man; with a country house; very dignified, very sincere. Instead of which she had a narrow pea-stick figure; a ridiculous little face, beaked like a bird's. That she held herself well was true; and had nice hands and feet; and dressed well, considering that she spent little. But often now this body she wore (she stopped to look at a Dutch picture), this body, with all its capacities, seemed nothing--nothing at all. She had the oddest sense of being herself invisible; unseen; unknown; there being no more marrying, no more having of children now, but only this astonishing and rather solemn progress with the rest of them, up Bond Street, this being Mrs. Dalloway; not even Clarissa any more; this being Mrs. Richard Dalloway.

Bond Street fascinated her; Bond Street early in the morning in the season; its flags flying; its shops; no splash; no glitter; one roll of tweed in the shop where her father had bought his suits for fifty years; a few pearls; salmon on an iceblock.

"That is all," she said, looking at the fishmonger's. "That is all," she repeated, pausing for a moment at the window of a glove shop where, before the War, you could buy almost perfect gloves. And her old Uncle William used to say a lady is known by her shoes and her gloves. He had turned on his bed one morning in the middle of the War. He had said, "I have had enough." Gloves and shoes; she had a passion for gloves; but her own daughter, her Elizabeth, cared not a straw for either of them.

Not a straw, she thought, going on up Bond Street to a shop where they kept flowers for her when she gave a party. Elizabeth really cared for her dog most of all.

A thin, dignified woman moved from shopfront to shopfront along Bond Street. The grandure of the flags that adorned each was not reflected in the shops themselves. The lady, for that is clearly what she was, upright and deliberate as she moved up the street, considered a roll of tailor's tweed as she passed. Despite her careful manner she was clearly enjoying herself, her pointed face moving quickly to take in each modest display.

Glancing from the fishmongers, with its forlone salmon presented on a block of ice, towards a glove shop. She paused and looked, slightly wistful, on the pitiful spread of gloves, much diminished after four years of war. Her composure seemed to slip and she muttered to herself 'That is all ... that is all', barely audible over the noise of the street.

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Writing Great Fiction - Lecture Two Exercise

Lecture two from Writing Great Fiction: Storytelling Tips and Techniques is about evocation.

Based on an exercise from John Gardner's The Art of Fiction we are supposed to write a passage describing a building, a landscape or an object from the point of view of a parent who's child has just died. All you're allowed to do is describe the object without mentioning the child, the parent or death. Invoke the feeling of loss and grief without mentioning either.

After a couple of abortive tries where I eventually mentioned one or all, I came up with this:

The swingset was tiny. Much too small for an adult. The worn rubber seat had two leg holes and a pink plastic strap across the front. The purple metal frame was faded and chipped, but you could still make out capering, grinning figures along its length. Under the seat was a muddy puddle, the center of a trail of scuff marks. Footprints staggered and skipped at the edge of the puddle and into the dust beyond. A gust of wind rippled the water and the hinges squeaked as the rubber harness twisted slowly. The wind died and there was silence.

Exercise from Lecture Three >>

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Writing Great Fiction - Lecture One Exercise

I am listinging to the Audible series Writing Great Fiction: Storytelling Tips and Techniques. I'll be posting my attempts at the writing exercises at the end of each lecture here. Following is my attempt at writing a passage based on a single image that had struck me in real life.

Exercise from Lecture Two >>

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Aggregate functions are not allowed in this query

Got burnt today by an odd error thrown by the Django ORM when writing some tests. It was an easy mistake to make and the exception "Aggregate functions are not allowed in this query" has lots of unrelated Google juice and was not helpful in getting to the bottom of the problem. Hence this post.

Start with a pretty simple model that we are going to be updating via an API.

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class Foo(models.Model):
    name = models.CharField(max_length=512)
    value = models.CharField(max_length=512)

Then write some code to hit an API via requests and update the database with a new value.

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import requests
from .models import Foo


def make_request():

    # go get foo from your api
    resp = requests.get("http://your.thing/api/foo/name")

    # the name and value of the foo?
    value = resp.json()["value"]

    # Grab the instance of foo corresponding to name
    # and update its value
    foo = Foo.objects.get(name="name")
    foo.value = value
    foo.save()

Then a test using a patch on yourthing.helpers.requests so we don't hit the real API when we run our test. Let's pretend that make_requets has some side effect that we are testing for rather than the value stored in the Foo table. Given that assumption we might not mock the actual values returned by the API (see THIS --->).

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from mock import Mock, patch

from django.test import TestCase

from .models import Foo
from .helpers import make_request


class MockTestCase(TestCase):

    @patch('yourthing.helpers.requests')
    def test_an_api(self, mock_requests):

        # Create the instance we are going to update
        Foo.objects.create(name="name", value=0)

        # THIS ---> mock_requests.get.return_value.json.return_value = { "value" : 1}
        make_request()

        # Test for something unrelated to the contents of the Foo table. Perhaps some other
        # side effect of the make_requests() call.

Run this test and you will get this error.

======================================================================
ERROR: test_an_api (yourthing.test_helpers.MockTestCase)
----------------------------------------------------------------------
Traceback (most recent call last):
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/mock/mock.py", line 1305, in patched
return func(*args, **keywargs)
File "/Users/tomhorn/dev/sandbox/test_mock/yourthing/test_helpers.py", line 18, in test_an_api
make_request()
File "/Users/tomhorn/dev/sandbox/test_mock/yourthing/helpers.py", line 17, in make_request
foo.save()
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/base.py", line 807, in save
force_update=force_update, update_fields=update_fields)
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/base.py", line 837, in save_base
updated = self._save_table(raw, cls, force_insert, force_update, using, update_fields)
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/base.py", line 904, in _save_table
forced_update)
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/base.py", line 954, in _do_update
return filtered._update(values) > 0
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/query.py", line 664, in _update
return query.get_compiler(self.db).execute_sql(CURSOR)
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/sql/compiler.py", line 1191, in execute_sql
cursor = super(SQLUpdateCompiler, self).execute_sql(result_type)
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/sql/compiler.py", line 863, in execute_sql
sql, params = self.as_sql()
File "/Users/tomhorn/environments/test_mock/lib/python3.6/site-packages/django/db/models/sql/compiler.py", line 1143, in as_sql
raise FieldError("Aggregate functions are not allowed in this query")
django.core.exceptions.FieldError: Aggregate functions are not allowed in this query
----------------------------------------------------------------------

This unhelpful error might lead us to examine queries & relationship looking for an aggregate function. In fact there is no aggregate function. Instead this is happening because without an explict mock the resp.json()["value"] call in make_request will return a MagicMock instead of a string. When the ORM tries to save the instance it gets into trouble dealing with a field that will mock any property it tries to access.

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<MagicMock name='requests.get().json().__getitem__()' id='4385055128'>

So I guess the moral of the story is to make sure you mock every response that ends up being passed to a Django ORM model instance. If you don't you might spent a chunk of time investigating rabbit holes as I did.

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A Postal Plebiscite

Tomorrow the high court of Australia will hear the government's arguments in favour of the constitutionality of the ABS run postal plebiscite. I need to write something down as I have feelings about this bullshit.

There is no "civilised debate" on marriage equality. There are bigots who are on the wrong side of history, willing to do real harm to delay the inevitable erosion of one more roadblock on the path from pre-scientific superstition to enlightened humanism.

They are wrong and they are disingenuous, but it's the 'real harm' that really gets my internal monologue extra sweary. There is a connection between this "civilised debate" and increased rates of suicide amongst young LGBT+ people. These fuckers know this and apparently they don't care.

If this plebiscite goes ahead innocent people will get hurt. A postal plebiscite will be gamed, it will be unrepresentative and even if it results in a resounding YES, this government can just ignore it.

So fuck those guys. Fuck the arseholes campaigning against marriage equality. Fuck their crappy, misdirected, straw man arguments and their dire predictions about the end of society as we know it if we let LGBT+ people get married.

Also fuck this spineless government who won't step up and take a free vote on same sex marriage. I hope this thing is killed tomorrow and our government is forced to do just that.

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